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Thread: Johnny Carsonisms

  1. #1
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    Johnny Carsonisms

    A thread to see if you can match or top the ribald humor of the late Johnny Carson. Johnny would do his stand-up routine and say:

    May a weird holy man advance on your budior with a water pick.

    Here's one of mine for starters:

    May the magician who saws women in half, leave on your front porch the half that eats and shops.



    You're on...
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  2. #2
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    On to something we might be if the meaning of a budoir and a water pick clarified were.


    "May a weird holy man advance on your budior with a water pick."
    " ... It's not as though he proved anything, he only refuted my evidence. ..." Archangel 04.01.09

    "Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus."

    “Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Penfold View Post
    On to something we might be if the meaning of a budoir and a water pick clarified were.


    "May a weird holy man advance on your budior with a water pick."
    Budoir is French, I believe, for bedroom. And the significance of the water pick is like genuflecting. In other words, may a weird holy man advance on your bedroom with a water pick to baptize you.

    Here's another one:

    May a nearsighted sand flea suck the syrup off your short stack.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  4. #4
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    And another one:

    May a busload of foul-smelling, geritol-swilling seniors foul your apartment.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  5. #5
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    Back for one more:

    May a 650 lb. circus blubber wench with a weak sphincter leave a trail of horrors on your berber carpet.

    Come on, somebody. Let's see what you've got!
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  6. #6
    Archangel Guest
    Here's a tried and true arab curse which goes back many generations in my family. And one Carson may have used a time or two.

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals as your angry mother in law runs you out of the house for bleeding on the furniture from your open sores.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Archangel View Post
    Here's a tried and true arab curse which goes back many generations in my family. And one Carson may have used a time or two.

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your genitals as your angry mother in law runs you out of the house for bleeding on the furniture from your open sores.

    Argh argh argh...

    May a mouse-faced boxer with terminal dysentery do an all-night fanny-pull on your Persian heirloom.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  8. #8
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    The Carsonism du jour:

    May a desert nomad do a desert no-no in your sister's hope chest.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  9. #9
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    May a bull-dike T-Rex with Montezuma's Revenge freshen up your sitz bath.


    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  10. #10
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    May a pregnant hefty bag’s water break on your Berber carpet!
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  11. #11
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    May your significant other trade you in on the ‘Cash for Clunkers’ program.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  12. #12
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    May an obstreperous carny-barker belch out a beer-breathed, carnal proposition to your current punch-bag.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  13. #13
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    May you be stalked by a disturbed proctologist with a Black & Decker roto-rooter rig.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  14. #14
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    May a vagrant, 450 lb. profusely sweating redneck land a one-nostril snot-shot in your Malt-O-Meal.
    Last edited by Easyrider; 10-03-2009 at 05:54 AM.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

  15. #15
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    May you be stalked by a wierd Zoroastrian holy man with a hangnail.
    “For the scientist who has lived by his faith in the power of reason, the story ends like a bad dream. He has scaled the mountains of ignorance; he is about to conquer the highest peak; as he pulls himself over the final rock, he is greeted by a band of theologians who have been sitting there for centuries.” - Robert Jastrow

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