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Thread: what is the funnest joke that you have heard

  1. #31
    bhbcu64 Guest
    electro,

    But the official IUPAC name for acetylsalicylic acid is 2-acetyloxybenzoic acid.

    I bow to your superior knowledge; I'm the guy who failed college chemistry.

    On the other hand, it doesn't spoil the story!

  2. #32
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    Another one...


    Alan, Jim and Bob are jungle explorers. One day they suddenly find themselves surrounded by fierce spear-wielding cannibals. The leader of the cannibals tells them they may go free if they pass a test of endurance. If they refuse or fail, they will immediately be killed and eaten. Faced with little choice, the three explorers agree.

    "What's this test then?" asks Alan.

    "Each of you must go out into the jungle and return with nine pieces of fruit," replies the cannibal chief. Alan, Jim and Bob don't think this sounds too bad, so off they go.

    First to return is Alan, carrying nine apples.

    "Now," says the cannibal chief, "you must push them up your XXX without your face showing any discomfort or emotion."

    Alan gives it his best shot, and manages to get one apple up there, but on the second attempt he winces, and is immediately killed.

    Next back is Jim, carrying nine grapes. The cannibal chief explains the second part of the test to him. Jim manages to get eight of the grapes inserted without a problem, but on the ninth he bursts out laughing and is killed on the spot.

    He reaches the pearly gates to find Alan waiting for him.

    "What on earth are you doing here?" asks Alan. "Grapes should have been easy!"

    "I know," said Jim, "But then I saw Bob coming back with all those watermelons..."

  3. #33
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    And another:

    A woman takes her baby to the doctor for a routine checkup.

    "Ok, before we start," he says, "Is there anything specific you're concerned about at all?"

    "Well... actually yes, there is," she replies. "Sometimes, when I'm changing his nappy, Peter gets an... um..." She blushes and looks down. "You know..."

    The doctor laughs easily. "An erection? Oh, that's nothing to worry about."

    "Really?"

    "Absolutely; it's perfectly normal."

    The woman looks relieved.

    "So," asks the doctor, "How is little Peter apart from that?"

    The woman looks puzzled.

    "No, this is Colin, doctor. Peter's my husband."

  4. #34
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    Two men are playing golf. One takes a big swing and slices a ball into the woods. The other says, "Gee,Wally. What's happened to your swing?"

    Wally says, "Oh, it's this darn girdle. I can't follow thru properly when I'm wearing it."

    His friend says, "When did you start wearing a girdle?"

    Wally says, "When my wife found it in the glove box of my car."

  5. #35
    Archangel Guest
    HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON AN AIRPLANE
    If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:

    1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
    2. Remove your laptop.
    3. Start up
    4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.
    5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
    6. Then hit this link:http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

  6. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Archangel View Post
    HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON AN AIRPLANE
    Or, indeed, HOW TO INVITE A FULL CAVITY SEARCH FOLLOWED BY A CONSIDERABLE STRETCH IN JAIL WITH THE POTENTIAL FOR FURTHER, UNOFFICIAL CAVITY SEARCHES.

  7. #37
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    A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "what will you have"? The seal replies: "anything except Canadian Club".
    "Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)". -Eddie Izzard

    Long is the way
    And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. -Milton

  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Archangel View Post
    HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT-MATES ON AN AIRPLANE
    Nice. Slip in the Arabic script there. "I'm not a racist, I'm a comedian!"

  9. #39
    Archangel Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Kronus View Post
    Nice. Slip in the Arabic script there. "I'm not a racist, I'm a comedian!"
    It's a joke about terrorism you humorless schmuck. And as an arab, I can tell any jokes I choose to about my own race. Do you condemn jews for telling jokes aimed at jews? Noooo!! But you'll never pass up an opportunity to attack me, will you.

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Archangel View Post
    It's a joke about terrorism you humorless schmuck. And as an arab, I can tell any jokes I choose to about my own race. Do you condemn jews for telling jokes aimed at jews? Noooo!! But you'll never pass up an opportunity to attack me, will you.
    But it's not a joke about your race. It's a joke about a limited population of extremist islamic terrorists. Are those your people?

    I personally see no problem in anyone telling that joke, including a gay eskimo.
    "Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)". -Eddie Izzard

    Long is the way
    And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. -Milton

  11. #41
    Archangel Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by snakespit View Post
    But it's not a joke about your race. It's a joke about a limited population of extremist islamic terrorists. Are those your people?

    I personally see no problem in anyone telling that joke, including a gay eskimo.
    So if a jew tells a big nose joke, he's saying that all jews have big noses? This is a joke thread; I posted a joke, get over it.

  12. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by Archangel View Post
    So if a jew tells a big nose joke, he's saying that all jews have big noses? This is a joke thread; I posted a joke, get over it.
    And as an arab, I can tell any jokes I choose to about my own race.
    What I was simply trying to point out is that anyone should be able to tell any joke to anyone. I see no difference in your joke being told by an Arab, a suicide bomber, or a US Marine. No offense intended Archie.
    "Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun)". -Eddie Izzard

    Long is the way
    And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light. -Milton

  13. #43
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    I love the nonsense type jokes like this one

    Turtles

    Two turtles decided to go on a camping trip and also decided to bring a basket filled with beer and sandwiches. So the 2 turtles found a perfect spot near a river after walking for 5 days.

    The 2 turtles were about to eat when one turtle says to the other, "We forgot the bottle opener. One of us has to go back." The other turtle quickly responds, "I'm not going back. If I go, then you're gonna eat all the sandwiches!" The first turtle then replies, "No I won't. Just go."

    So the 2nd turtle starts to go back. After 2 weeks, the 2nd turtle never came back. The first turtle is so hungry, he decides to eat one of the sandwiches.

    When the first turtle starts to bite the sandwich, the 2nd turtle quickly yells from a rock, "Ah HAH! I knew you were gonna eat the sandwich!"

  14. #44
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    How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty hose? An XXX 2 calves a whole bunch of hares and a fish no one can find. Imagine if the indians would have killed a cat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating ##### for thanksgiving.
    It is a poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish - Mother Teresa

  15. #45
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    Alan, Bob and Colin are playing golf together. At the first tee a stranger walks up to them, pulls a one wood from his golf bag and smashes Alan full-bore in the genitals before tipping his cap to Colin and walking off down the course.

    At the second tee the same stranger approaches, hauls out a three wood, and this time belts Bob right between the legs with all his might. "Lovely weather," he remarks to Colin, and saunters away.

    At the third tee, seeing the stranger marching purposefully towards them once again, Colin beckons over a course official.

    "Can you please ask that man to leave?" he asks. "I've nothing against him myself but he's been driving my mates nuts."

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