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Thread: what is the funnest joke that you have heard

  1. #1
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    what is the funnest joke that you have heard

    the funnest joke of all time has to be why did the toad cross the road to see his flat mate
    I loooovvvvvee food

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by nomane View Post
    the funnest joke of all time has to be why did the toad cross the road to see his flat mate
    Not bad.

    A girl once asked me for an example of double entendre, so I gave her one!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by nomane View Post
    the funnest joke of all time has to be why did the toad cross the road to see his flat mate
    I thought that was a hedgehog joke. Never mind, here's another.

    Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
    To show he had guts.

  4. #4
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    Funniest joke?

    "What do you call that useless piece of flesh that surrounds the *female genitalia*?

    A woman.
    -God couldn't be everywhere, that's why we have America.
    -Use the Force...because prayer doesn't work.
    -If I mock you on a forum board...and you're too stupid to know...are you really being mocked?
    -Joseph of Nazareth said: "Healthy White baby, 5 year wait? What else you got?" to which the adoption agency replied "A Norse kid born with his heart on the outside. Hey, Zeus come 'er!"
    -"The only way to win is not to pray." - WOPR

  5. #5
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    I prefer the female version:

    One woman to another:
    W1: "I recently lost 100 pounds of useless fat!"
    W2: "My! How did you manage it?"
    w1: "I kicked my useless husband out of the house"

    Or, on a more positive note:
    Q: "How do you make a pound of fat look good?"
    A: "Put a nipple on it!"


    Mind you, none of these I'd really consider contenders for a particularly good joke, much less best ever.

    EDIT: I think I got the pounds value er, wrong. I'll revise to a more "conservative" number. Damn those imperial measures...
    Last edited by Iuris; 01-31-2008 at 09:51 AM.

  6. #6
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    My band recently changed its name to "Acappella".....while leaving a pawn shop.
    “But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? ” ~ Mark Twain

    "Those who are easily shocked... should be shocked more often" ~ Mae West

  7. #7
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    SUSAN PILES ON THE POUNDS

    SISTER
    A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

    "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.

    A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.

    "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.

    A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

  8. #8
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    Can't remember if I've posted this one before, but it's my personal favourite.


    Three pregnant women are sitting in a doctor's waiting room, knitting baby clothes. After a while, one of them puts down her knitting, rummages in her handbag and extracts a bottle of pills. She takes one, and resumes knitting.

    "What's that you're taking?" asks one of the other women.

    "Folic acid," she replies. "Good for the baby."

    A little later, the second woman also puts down her knitting and removes a bottle of pills from her handbag. She takes one, and resumes knitting.

    "What're those?" asks one of the other women.

    "Vitamins," she replies. "Good for the baby."

    Finally the third woman puts down her knitting, roots around in her handbag and finds a bottle of pills. She takes one and picks up her knitting again.

    "What was that you just took?" asks one of the other women.

    "Thalidomide," she says. "I never could do sleeves."

  9. #9
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    Or just possibly it's this one. Give it a minute if you don't get it straight away.

    Q: What's the commonest type of owl?

    A: 'Teat'



    My wife actually wondered aloud once, for real, what the commonest type of owl was, and it made my whole year to be able to say, with a totally straight face, 'Teat'...

  10. #10
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    Why pray when you can Google?

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iuris View Post
    I prefer the female version.
    Depends also on where you hear it and from who.

    I head my version in a holding cell in jail.

    Almost as good as the one that followed...

    A child molestor and a kid are walking into the woods late at night.
    The kid says 'Mister, these woods sure are scary.'
    The molestor responds 'Yeah, and I have to walk out of them alone.'

    Baddabing.
    -God couldn't be everywhere, that's why we have America.
    -Use the Force...because prayer doesn't work.
    -If I mock you on a forum board...and you're too stupid to know...are you really being mocked?
    -Joseph of Nazareth said: "Healthy White baby, 5 year wait? What else you got?" to which the adoption agency replied "A Norse kid born with his heart on the outside. Hey, Zeus come 'er!"
    -"The only way to win is not to pray." - WOPR

  12. #12
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    A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the
    woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

    "What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

    "Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

    "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size,
    color and material imaginable.

    "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to
    choose from."

    Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: "There are the
    Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would
    you prefer?"

    Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

    The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... The Catholic type supports
    the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them
    staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
    " ... It's not as though he proved anything, he only refuted my evidence. ..." Archangel 04.01.09

    "Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus."

    “Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”

  13. #13
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    wow


    there r a lot of jokers here

    here is one for you
    The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
    weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
    and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

    and

    Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
    who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce,
    they keep the house.
    I loooovvvvvee food

  14. #14
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    How to...

    Do you know how to catch a wild unique animal?





































    Unique up on it!
    Last edited by jim's trucking; 02-08-2008 at 05:04 PM. Reason: sp
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  15. #15
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    How to, too..

    Do you know how to catch a tame unique animal?





































    Tame way! Unique up on it!
    What you say can and will be used against you.
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