Jim, I may be missing some cultural background on these two...
The Pastor's XXX
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S XXX OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S XXX.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST XXX IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS XXX FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER XXX IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's XXX and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
Then there was the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.
" ... It's not as though he proved anything, he only refuted my evidence. ..." Archangel 04.01.09
"Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus."
“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”
And don't forget the dyslexic pimp who kept a warehouse.
My mother-in-law sent me this one. Not as timely as it could be, but what the hey...
A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As she sits down, a man came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.
"No," she said, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The woman shakes her head, "Nah, they're all at the funeral."
Last edited by Archangel; 03-05-2008 at 10:00 PM.
Archie, I get it now, and it's not a question of speech impediments. Those work differently, the joke itself shows how the speech impediment works first, and then the joke unfolds further. Data: "I said kiddelees, diddle I?"
This one is a play on homonyms, although perhaps the homonyms don't work because they're not quite homonymic enough.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
This one was especially good because my girlfriend's 13 year old nephew said it.
How do you know when your girlfriend has put on too much weight?
When she can fit into your wife's pants.
As we know, pharmaceuticals have scientific as well as popular names.
Aspirin = Acetylsalicilic acid
Along that line:
Viagra = Mydixadud
Smith: KNOCK KNOCK -
Jones: Who's there?
Smith: The big brown interrupting cow.
Jones: The big brown interup